Diggin' for Dirt
by Queen Galux
Summary: Bakura and Marik are sick of Yami always beating them, so they resort to blackmail. Marik's gone cuckoo, Bakura's in a dress, what more could you want? :Pretty Dead:
1. You suck

qg: hello readers!

hiei: oh, ra. she's back.

qg: yes, i am. go me, go. go me, go!

(crickets chirp in the background)

qg: yes, well. i am back, very proud of myself, and i've brought with yet another story. since fanfiction deleted my smoothie story, i've been trying to think up other humor-related ideas and this is one of them.

hiei: the only one, no doubt.

qg: yes, probably. and anyone who cares to know, i am updating endless nightmare: rebirth an itsy bitsy bit, but it is still going rather slowly, so don't expect to much. so anyways, enjoy this fic!

disclaimer: i don't own yugioh.

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Chapter One- You suck

"Dammit!" the spirit of the ring's angered voice roared as he broke another plate at his host's house. "Why does the damn pharaoh from the damn puzzle always have the damn gall to beat me whenever he damn-well pleases?! Why dammit?!" Bakura dropped another breakable item which this time happened to be an antique collectible plate. He was even more angered when he didn't hear it shatter against the floor.

"Yami-sama, stop! You're breaking everything in the house!" Ryou had lept into the room, and caught the plate before it broke.

"That's the point!" Bakura bellowed, which made Ryou run under the table for cover, "That pharaoh beat me again!! Don't you know that?!"

Ryou held tightly to the table's legs and yelled back as though talking next to a hurricane, "Yes! I heard! Along with the rest of the block!!" Ryou steadied his grip on the table leg's and continued, "Why don't you try some deceitful trick next time!! You are a thief, right?!"

Bakura answered in the same tone of voice, "You're right!! Why on earth don't I listen to you more often?! That's sheer brilliance!! I should tell Marik!!" He began out the door.

"Thank you for not breaking anything else!!"

Bakura turned and saw the plate he'd tried to wreck earlier that Ryou caught. Grinning sadistically, he gave it a little push off the counter, "You're welcome!!" and ran to see Marik.

* * *

Technically, Bakura didn't like Marik that much, but he had his thief honor, which said 'the more the merrier when being anti-Yami'. Bakura got to Marik's house in about ten minutes because he was so happy that he passed it five times. "Hello Marik?" the spirit ran into the house, not thinking about the doorbell.

"What…" Marik asked groggily from just waking up.

"We're going to defeat Yami!" Bakura laughed triumphantly.

"That's nice," yawned the Egyptian blonde, "Now can I go back to bed?"

"I'm serious!"

"Not for nothing Bakura, but you're plans never seem to work. You suck," Marik said tacklessly.

The albino rolled his eyes, "And yours are so much better. Come on, what have we got to lose?"

"Our minds to the shadow realm?" asked Marik.

"Like that hasn't happened before," Bakura sighed sarcastically.

Marik shrugged, "So, what is you're plan?"

"Blackmail."

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hiei: you know what?

qg: what?

hiei: i think i prefered you gone.


	2. Trees 101

qg: ...and here's chapter two!

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Chapter Two- Trees 101

"Alright. Now, what are we doing again?" Marik pulled another burr out of his hair. Bakura had managed to get him out of bed, dressed in army fatigue, and in a bush next to Yugi's house.

"Shh! He might hear us!" Bakura hissed. He had a pair of binoculars and was looking through a window to the game shop.

"He's not downstairs. Maybe he's not even home," yawned Marik.

"No," Bakura shook his head, "It's way to early for him to have left. Only the crazies are outside this early."

"What about us?!"

"We have a mission," Bakura smiled deviously.

"You have a problem," groaned Marik.

Bakura ignored Marik's comment however and moved on, "Taking what we have deduced, he's upstairs!"

"Thanks 'Einstein'," Marik muttered before looking up. Yugi's room was just above them, but with one minor set back: they couldn't see in. There was a tree next to them that was the only thing relatively close to Yugi's house. But it wasn't tall enough to reach up to the window and it wasn't steady enough to hold them anyway.

Unfortunately, Bakura had overlooked those facts.

"We climb!" the evil, sadistic, presently insane spirit of the millenium ring hopped to the tree. "Marik! With me!" With that said, he jumped and caught himself halfway up the tree, seeing as how it was a short tree. He bobbed his head up and down a bit, as though by doing so he'd move up farther, but from Marik's view, if Bakura was moving, it was in fractions of millimeters. "Marik! Give me a boost!" Bakura continued bobbing his head up and down, very disturbingly.

"Um, Bakura?" the blonde tried to warn him.

"Talk later, climb now!"

Marik sighed, "Okay. You're the boss." He took his time walking over to the tree, trying to look inconspicuous, and certainly unacquainted with Bakura. "Um, what should I do?" Marik edged left and right to see how he could shove Bakura up the tree he'd started to climb, when he began to hear a noise that sounded a lot like wood breaking.

"Ahh, Marik! The tree's leaning! It wasn't before!!" Bakura tried to let go, but was too scared of the tree falling on him to do it.

With one last sickening crack, the tree fell…

Fortunately, Bakura was on the other side of the tree that didn't hit the ground.

Unfortunately, Marik ended up being on the side of the tree that did hit the ground.

Bakura got up and shook himself off, "Well, now we know not to do that again, don't we?" He shook his head disappointedly at Marik, "Honestly, it doesn't take a genius to see that a tree of that size and stature could not hold someone our age. You really shouldn't have let me go up on it."

Marik's eyes rolled around, unsettlingly as he tried standing up. Bakura took one look at him and nodded, "Time for plan B!"

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qg: review!!


	3. Marik's ladder

Hello all. I know I haven't updated since I posted this fic, but I've been busy between school and home. I have got chapters 3 and 4 for you to read so I hope you enjoy them. Not sure if they're funny, but oh, well. Read, review, be happy.

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Chapter Three- Marik's ladder 

Marik's head continued to wobble as Bakura surveyed the house. He wished he could go inside to get some pain killers, but he could barely see where he was going. Though his sight was mostly impaired at the moment, he could see one way that they couldn't possibly go.

In the back yard, before the whole 'tree' incident, they had found a ladder. It was long enough to reach to the roof, but they couldn't use it to walk up to the window; the ground below was too uneven to trust that. So, of course, Marik was mentally banging his head when Bakura came running over to him, ladder in tow.

"Bakura," Marik started, "I _really_ don't think-"

"I know you don't," interrupted Bakura, "So let me." He held the ladder up to the house and tried to steady it on the ground below. "Now, since I'm the leader of the group, I have decided that I'll hold the ladder whilst you climb up it." He smiled and grabbed the legs of the ladder firmly.

"Bakura," Marik moaned, "_Please_ don't-"

"Don't worry Marik! I'll hold it steady!" Bakura chirped, showing that he was indeed holding it very tightly.

Marik tipped his head to the side, looking at the situation and decided to go up. _He looks like he'll hold that. I suppose it is safe._

With that thought, he grasped the ladder and began an unsteady trek up it, partially from the uneven ground beneath, some from Bakura not holding it absolutely steady, and mostly from his headache from the tree.

"Come on Marik! You can do it!" Bakura yelled.

Marik looked down, which was a _really_ bad idea, because it made him very dizzy. But he was able to hold on and catch his breath.

"You're halfway! Come on! Just a little more!" cheered Bakura.

"I'd…" Marik slurred, "Like to see… you try this." He clutched to the ladder, swearing he could see fifty windows instead of just the one he was aiming for. He expected to hear a remark from his partner, but was surprise to hear only birds chirping in the tree that had fallen.

"Bakura?" Marik asked quizzically, wondering what the thousand year old thief was doing.

"I'll be right there!" yelled Bakura.

Marik turned to the street to see Bakura standing over there, with an ice cream cone in his mouth and arguing with the ice cream truck man.

"Bakura, you!" Marik lashed out to him, his banged up head slightly forgetting the unsteady ladder he was standing on. He did notice when he and the grass seemed to be getting closer.

"Not again!!!"

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Review!! And then go to the next chapter!! 


	4. Notebook of Doom

Chapter Four- Notebook of Doom

"Well Marik," Bakura once again reprimanded his unfortunate partner, "If you had any sense to pay attention, you'd have noticed that the ladder idea wouldn't work at all."

"WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!" Marik eyes bulged out of their sockets, looking more like his yami self than should be possible. He had somehow managed to get out of his little coma when Bakura was getting the ladder off of him and 'accidentally' dropped it back on him again.

"Well, when I discovered this couldn't possibly work, I chose to give up," the slightly crazy thief said as he licked the chocolate ice cream cone in his hand.

"YA' COULD'VE TOLD ME!!!"

"Yes, but I didn't have enough time. That ice cream guy owed me and I had to collect," he shuddered and put his hand to his head, "Brr-ain frreeze."

"Don't you need a brain for that to happen?" muttered Marik, before rubbing his own head.

By all accounts, he really shouldn't be standing up, which he was, seeing as how a tree had fallen on him and he'd fallen off a ladder. _I'm beginning to think this is a _really, really _bad idea_. He thought to himself. He let out a frustrated huff and spoke, "Bakura, you do what you want. I'm through." He started off the lawn before he noticed the new attachment to his leg.

Bakura, with puppy dog eyes and crocodile tears to match clung to him like a lifeline, "Pwease don't go!! I can't do this- hic hic- without you!!!" he buried his face in Marik's leg, "Pwease?!?!"

Marik would have banged his head on a wall if one had been near him and if his head hadn't been banged up already. He gave in, "Oh, alri-"

"YEA!!" Bakura lept for joy, hugging Marik (much to the Egyptian's discontent), and started dragging the ladder around the house. "Onward, troops!!"

"Wh-what are you doing with that?" Marik asked shakily.

Bakura grinned maliciously, "Bringing it over to the other side of the house!"

Marik rolled his eyes heavily, "I probably don't want to know, but… why?"

"Whilst you were out cold," Bakura began, "I found this perfect thing to get us the dirt we need!"

"Really? Mulch or top soil?" Marik asked sarcastically.

Bakura, though, was in a very good mood, because he laughed hysterically, "AHAHAHHHHAHAHA!! Wow!! Fun-ny!" He hopped up and down like a freak (i.e.- like himself).

"It wasn't that funny, Bakura," Marik rolled his eyes, "Now: Plan."

Bakura breathed again, "Right." He pulled out a notebook from his shirt and began writing.

After a minute he held up his work of art and began, "Exhibit A. We take this ladder and place it on the other side of the house." He pointed with his pencil to a poorly draw picture of himself and Marik, stick figures of course, holding the ladder next to Yugi's house.

"Next, we climb up the ladder to the very top of the roof, B." The next picture showed Bakura on the roof looking quite pleased with himself and Marik looking dizzy and ill next to him.

"Part C, we swing the vine, that is presently on the house, over to the window. One of us will climb down it, with the other holding on to it." The picture showed two stick figures with question marks over their heads hanging onto the vine.

"Then we get the blackmail, we go home, and you don't get another bump on your head!" He smiled, "Only we should make sure that, D, the vine doesn't break or, E, we don't let go."

"And what if 'F' happens?" asked Marik.

"F?"

"If I don't freakin care and just leave now."

Bakura pouted, "B-but you said you w-would, Mawik," and Marik again faced Bakura's possessed sad face.

"Okay!! I'll do it!!" Marik threw up his hands in defeat. _Bakura beat me with fake tears. And twice in one day!!_

* * *

Poor Marik's having issues with Bakura, again. Maybe this time their plan will work. And while we're asking for miracles, maybe hell can freeze over. Hey, anything can happen.

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	5. Baka

disclaimer: really, i do not own yugioh.

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Chapter Five- Baka

"You ready Marik?"

Marik wobbled around on the roof. _I'm standing… on Yugi's roof. I'm such an idiot._ While muttering 'baka, baka, baka…', he tightened his grip on the viney-thingy. He looked at the long way down again.

_I'm okay, I'm gonna be fine. After all, I'm the one who's going to stand _on _the roof. Bakura's the, erm, lucky duck who gets to climb down to the window. He's the one who should be worried, not me._

He nodded, pausing for another second for his head to stop its spinning. "I'm ready," he said very unconvincingly. He'd finally decided that it wasn't worth his breath to ask if Bakura was sure this was okay.

"Then hold on tight!!" Bakura screeched and started down the wall.

Marik closed his eyes, waiting for Bakura to scream in pain from falling to the ground. Okay, maybe it was more like he was _hoping_ that Bakura would scream in pain from falling to the ground. His albino partner seemed like the lucky one when their plans turned sour.

When Marik noticed that there wasn't any sound of any pain whatsoever, he opened his eyes.

"Bakura!" Marik growled. Bakura was holding onto the draining pipe with the vine tucked under his arms, "What the hell?!"

His partner looked up with anime tears running down his face, "I-I'm sc-scared," his lips trembled. "C-Could you g-get me up?" he gave the best puppy dog eyes since, well, five minutes ago.

Marik groaned, "Oh, ra," but reluctantly started tugging on the vine. _I would let him fall, but if he gets himself killed, I might be a suspect._ He noticed, after pulling a few feet, that either Bakura didn't weigh that much, or he wasn't… holding… onto the vine. _Oh, crap._

The Egyptian blonde looked near the bottom of the roof and saw that the end of the vine was already two feet away from Bakura. The said albino was still clutching tightly to the pipe, his eyes squeezed shut.

Normally, Marik would have laughed at Bakura looking so pathetic. But, with the day he's had so far, he wasn't thinking totally correctly. That and the fact that this is a humor fanfic, and it just wouldn't be good if the head, um, bad guy, who's the good guy, was to die.

So, of course, Marik jumped out to catch his comrade. "Bakura!! Don't worry, I'm coming!" Though he meant well, Marik aimed a little too high in his rescue feat. Literally, he jumped too high. "Nnnnooooo!!"

Thud!

"Marik! You okay?!"

Marik blinked his eyes. _Odd, it should hurt more than this. _He moved his head off the ground. _I don't believe it. It doesn't hurt anymore. I'm… cured!! Hallelujah!! I'm cured… I'm cured… oh, yeah, yeah, yeah…_

If Marik wasn't so distracted with himself being cured by the fall, he'd have noticed that his partner in crime was losing his grip on the pipe. So, to follow with the plot of the story, he fell… on Marik.

Thud!!

Bakura hopped to his feet, "Well, thank God for-" he paused, hearing some sound from inside the Game Shop. "We hide!" Grabbing the unconscious Marik, he pulled them both under the tree (the one that fell) in time for Yami Yugi to have just missed them.

Yami took a deep breath in, "Ah, another day, another duel." He sighed and yelled inside to Yugi's grandpa, "I'm going out, Gramps!" With that, he started down the street to downtown Domino City.

Bakura peeked out of his hiding place, a very 'Cheshire cat' look on his face. "Now, we follow!! Come knave!" Bakura grabbed Marik again by the nape of the neck, and began inconspicuously (yeah, right) trailing Yami.

Meanwhile, behind the un-dynamic duo, was a figure hiding in the shadows. He picked up a bag next to him, and began following our, hem-hem, _heroes_, "Now, we follow."

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wow. that took me awhile to write. and yet, it's so short. (sighs) my apologies for that. 

now, everybody! i think you know what i'll say... review!!


	6. Just Don't Talk

Chapter Six- Just Don't Talk 

Yami strode along the sidewalk, looking much like a king, in that his strides were not too overly done but just enough for all to notice. As he passed a friend from school's house, he gave a regal wave before focusing on his stride again.

Bakura couldn't stand it.

"I can't stand it!! Look at the way he struts! So proud!!" Bakura yelled; actually it was more of an annoyed whisper because otherwise Yami would have seen them.

"I could have sworn that person, that nobody can really hear but us, just said he was striding, not strutting," Marik pointed out.

"Grrr, dammit!!" yelled Bakura, and this time he really yelled, which made Marik grab Bakura's collar and pull them both behind a house.

"Hm?" Yami turned around looked both ways before shrugging off the noise and continued his stride.

"Shhhh!" hissed Marik, "We can't let him see us!" Marik started pulling Bakura back around the house so they could continue their trailing, "If he sees us and we don't have any dirt on him, all those fall I've had this morning will have been for naught!!" he struck a heroic pose, only to have tripped over his own feet.

Ah, yes, that was another important thing to mention. You see, after Marik had taken his, er, unfortunate accidents, over and over and over again, they seemed to create a disruption in his mind, which lowered his sense of reason. In other words… Marik was at the same sanity level as Bakura right now. Which may or may not be a good thing.

Bakura grabbed Marik hand and pulled him up. Smiling, in a really freaky way, he said, "Yes! Let us complete our mission!!" Of course, he again yelled, which made Marik grab him behind a fire hydrant (a/n: ??) while Yami looked their way again.

Breathing a sigh of relief, they went back into trail-mode. "Okay," whispered Bakura, "Let's not talk again, until we find a safe distance from Yami where we won't lose him."

Marik nodded and gave a too-enthusiastic salute to his albino partner.

For the next few minutes they continued in silence; keeping their eyes fixated on Yami. They thought they'd really make it, as they finally got to the restaurant district of Domino, when they got to a kid with a lollipop in his mouth.

Bakura was very tense, waiting for the moment for Yami to strike, knowing that he must know that they're following him. Though if he knew that, then he might know that they know that he knows. But maybe he doesn't know, but we know that he doesn't know. Or maybe he knows that we know that he knows that…

"Hello!!"

Bakura nearly screamed when he remembered that even if Yami knew, if he saw them, it'd be all over. So, he slowly moved his head to face the little kid. "Hello, d-d-dear sw-sweet, demo- er, child."

He remembered how Ryou handled little kids and how he was all sweet and naïve with the little asses, so he held back every comment that popped into his head, and just patted the little brute's head.

"Are you a natural white?"

Bakura's face was stone cold, "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you certain?"

Bakura showed signed of annoyance, "Yeeesss."

"What are you doing?"

The albino stood up proudly, "I'm here to capture blackmail to ruin the reputation of my sworn enemy, such that if we ever get into a fight again, and he's about to whoop my ass, I'll threaten his rep and finally win."

"Don't you have a life?"

The thief's face turned angry red, "NO!! I DON'T!! HE'S GIVEN ME HELL SINCE THE DAY WE MET, WHICH WAS LIKE 3000 YEARS AGO, AND I DON'T THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU BUT THAT'S A LOT AND MRUFFR-"

Marik's hand covered Bakura's mouth and, since he couldn't find a good place to hide, he hid behind the kid.

However, Yami seemed to be really out of it, because he just turned back around and started crossing the next street.

The Egyptian sighed, "Sorry kid, but me and my friend here have to go commit some heinous acts. Maybe next week!!" Marik dragged Bakura across towards their goal, "Honestly Bakura, I don't know what you'd do without me."

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wahooo! i writed again!! :) i'm so happy!! you should be happy too!! so happy that you'd want to review!! 

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(you know you want to)


	7. Ho Ho, No!

Chapter Seven- Ho Ho, No!

Bakura yawned. _Damn, I'm tired. Maybe I should have waited until Yami was, yaaawwwnn, actually doing _something _worthwhile._ "Marik, maybe we _should_ take a-"

"No!" Marik grabbed Bakura's shoulders and pulled him into an alley to avoid Yami seeing them… again. "We have a mission!! We must be victorious against the evil Pharaoh of the Millenium Puzzle!! Now," Marik yanked the albino onto the sidewalk again, "We must follow!"

Marik marched in their target's direction, army style, while Bakura stood back, pondering.

_What's wrong with Marik? He's acting so… hyper. Hmm._ He kept pondering, so he was caught off guard when he collided with the blonde. "Marik? What the hell…"

Marik turned around, smiling like a freak (i.e. – like Bakura), "Time for our plan."

Bakura looked around Marik to see that Yami had stopped in his journey and was conversing with a Game Shop owner. As he listened closer, he heard that they were talking about which cards they thought were the best in Duel Monsters. But Marik, who had the hearing of a manatee, and the brains of a stegosaurus, was thinking different things.

"Ah-ha!" Marik cried triumphantly, "He's dealing with some shady characters from other game shops to improve Yugi's grandfather's store by stealing their best ideas!!!!!"

Bakura just blinked.

"We must catch him in the act!"

Blink.

"To the Notebook of Doom!!"

Blink.

Marik grabbed Bakura's backpack off of his back, and dug through it relentlessly. He pulled out the Notebook, "Ta-da!!" He picked up a pen and started scribbling. When he was done, he began:

"Alright, we must position one of us very close to him, so that we can keep him off guard, whilst the other operates the camcorder." He pointed to a bunch of chicken scratches that looked nothing like… anything, but must have been each of them, along with a video camera.

"Even I draw better than that," muttered the thief, "Um, why do we need a plan? Why can't we just hang out in the crowd and get something?"

"Because!!" Marik growled, "We cannot be seen!!!"

"You didn't really answered my question," Bakura said quietly, "But whatever." He looked Marik in the eyes, "What do I have to do?"

* * *

"I'm gonna kill you!!" Bakura yelled. 

Marik laughed, "It's okay Bakura! Yami will never know it's you!"

Somehow, the Egyptian blonde had managed to dress Bakura in a Santa suit, complete with white beard. Marik agreed, with himself, that Bakura's white hair was believable enough. Bakura, though, did not like the idea at all.

"Marik!!"

"Now, now," Marik calmed him down while handing him a bell and a bucket, "Here's the rest of your ensemble."

"What's the bucket for?"

Marik smirked, "Well, as long as you're playing Santa, you may as well get some money on the side. Now go!" he picked up the camcorder, getting ready.

* * *

Bakura pulled at the collar of his outfit. _How the hell does jolly ever wear this thing? It's way too hot and plus… it makes me look fat._

"Ho ho ho," unenthusiastically said 'Santa'. He made his way toward Yami but felt a little tug on his sleeve. How he felt anything with his sleeves being so long and baggy on him. "What?!"

He looked down and saw the same kid with the lollipop, except now he finished the lollipop, "Hello, Santa."

Bakura looked at the kid like he was going to kill him, but saw Marik hiding behind a light post and sighed in defeat, "Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas little dem- er- boy." He said in a monotonous voice.

"What are you doing here Santa?" asked the little dem- er- boy, "Christmas isn't for another few months."

Bakura grunted, "Haven't you ever heard of… Christmas in July?"

"No."

"Neither have I," muttered Bakura. He sweat slightly, not because he was nervous, but with the sun beating down on his suit, he was hotter than hell in those clothes. "Now, run along kid, and um, be good, cuz I'll know."

The kid gasped, "Really? Do you use a magic snow globe or something?"

"No, I'm going to break into your house and stalk you everywhere you go."

For a minute, both Bakura and the annoying lollipop boy were in a dead heat staring contest.

"Aaah!" yelled the little boy, running away.

Bakura sighed. _At least that's over._ He strode over to Yami, glad that he would finally get this whole thing over with and done. He reached out to grab Yami's shoulder when someone grabbed him. "Um, excuse me?"

He turned around to see a skinny guy with a brown trench coat and a detective's hat, "Um, yes. You see the police just got a call from a woman who says Santa was terrorizing her son. I'm sorry, but you'll have to come with me."

Bakura's eyes narrowed, "You don't look like the police."

"Yes, well my department was being downsized and… why am I explaining this to you?!" he grabbed a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket and tried to cuff him, but because of the sheer thickness of Bakura's jacket, he realised he couldn't.

Bakura watched with mild interest, until noticing that Yami had disappeared, "Crap. Well, it was fun, but I'm _sorry_ I have to go." He tossed the bucket on the inspector's head and high-tailed it out of there, with Marik following with the camcorder.

"Hey get back here, you... you Santa!"

"Marik, you so owe me for this."

* * *

um, yeah. i don't know why i put Zenigata from Lupin the 3rd in this, but, yeah, he's there. oh, and i don't own him either.

hiei: (puppy dog eyes) i'm here... (sniffsniff) through all your hard times... (sniff) and you- hic hic- never put me in a fic.

me: what about the smoothie story?

hiei: (thinks for a minute) oh, yeah. but i still want a part.

me: (groans) i'll think about it.

hiei: REVIEW!! :)


	8. Charity Drive

Chapter Eight- Charity Drive

"Alright," started Marik, once they were safely in an alley again, with Yami stopped four feet away, "Now, since that little child is away, we can try this again." He looked to his partner, "You're alright with that, right?" 

Bakura's mouth was slightly ajar, with his eyebrows raised, "You're kidding. That kid nearly blew my cover! And that cop… well, inspector who says he's a cop because his department is being downsized; he's… okay, he's no threat. But this is beyond my point: I'm not doing this!!" he began marching out of the alley.

Marik cried, "Please!! Nooooo!! You can't leave me!! I can't do this on my own!!" he ran after the albino, until he ran right into him. Marik blinked, "Are-are you staying?"

"Yes, well, I didn't want to go directly home wearing… this. And you have my other clothes," Bakura shrugged.

A huge smile appeared on Marik's face (a/n: haven't we seen this before?), and he grabbed the camera, "Then let's go!"

Bakura grabbed his bell from his costume and took a look at Yami, "Plan A, version two." He strode over to the Pharaoh with a less-than-authoritive air. This time, he was talking to another shopkeeper of a game store. _Doesn't he have a life outside of his games?_ "Ho ho ho, there."

Yami turned around and finally saw the 'Santa', "Um, who are you?"

"I'm Ba- er- Santa! Ho ho ho!" Bakura flushed at his screw-up, his face now rosy like that character he played. He rang the bell in Yami's face, "Ho ho ho!!"

Yami stepped back a bit, "Excuse me, what do you want?"

"Would you like to donate?" he looked around for a container to put money in, but couldn't find one, so he used the Santa hat.

"Donate to what?" asked the Pharaoh, untrustingly.

"Er, me," improvised Bakura, "I'm, uh, Santa's a little low on funding this year so I need some dough. You know, so the little demo- I mean- children are happy and have all their toys."

Yami gave a long stare into Bakura's eyes, and Bakura was beginning to think this plan was totally shot, when Yami gave a hyperly cute smile, "Oh! Okay! If it's for charity!" he pulled out his wallet and put in ten dollars.

Bakura looked at the cash and his eyes lit up. _Well, if this whole villain thing goes south, I can always get cash this way._

The shopkeeper next to Yami raised his eyebrows, "Do you have a license for this sort of thing?"

"Uhhhh…"

"Excuse me for a minute," he walked into his store and picked up the phone.

_That's not good._

In almost two seconds, Zenigata came racing towards them, "Ah-ha! I've got you now! You are under arrest for the terrorizing of a child, the impersonation of Santa, and well, for making a damn fool of me back there." He pulled out his cuffs again, "Now, let's get this over with."

"Damn," muttered Bakura, "I've got to run. I've had my stupids intake for the day."

"Hey! Come back here!"

Marik happily pranced after Bakura, with, of course, the record button still on.

A voice in the shadows laughed to itself, "Damn, you guys are terrible."

* * *

hiei: i'm inclined to agree with their stalker. (glares at queen-galux) when's my part coming up?!

me: it's coming, it's coming. in the mean time, you lot review! don't make me sick an angry hiei on you!!


	9. M squared negative 3000

Chapter Nine- M-squared negative 3000

Bakura kept running as fast as he could, not caring that he may have just lost Yami. Finally he yanked Marik, who he knew was behind him, very close to his face, "I'm. Not. Doing. This. Again."

Marik held up his hands to ward Bakura away, "Okay. No more Santa." He tossed Bakura his backpack and waited for ten minutes while the albino changed.

* * *

Bakura threw off the suit with the utmost distaste. _Marik is such an idiot. I shouldn't have listened to him in the first place. Oh, well. _Grunted Bakura, _we can't find Yami. Guess the trip's over._ He pulled his shirt over his head, and went to tell Marik he was quitting. Which he really has no reason to say that, since he made Marik do all those other things back at the house, but I digress. 

"Kay, Marik, I'm done. You go play hide-and-go-seek if you want, but… what are you doing?"

Bakura saw that Marik had set up some sort of computer that was beeping continuously with an itsy-bitsy dot blinking on and off. As he got closer, he saw the dot was labeled 'Yami'.

Marik gave a pleased grin, "This is the M-squarednegative 3000. We can find anybody's position in the world with this." He pushed a button and more dots came onto the screen, all with names on them.

"Wow. High-tech," gaped Bakura, "Hey, that guy owes me money." He grabbed at the computer, "What the hell'd you pay for this? Gotta be, what, $3,000 per dot?"

Marik rolled his eyes, the effects of his falls beginning to subside, "Ishizu gave it to me. She got it from Kaiba and figured this way, I can't say I don't know where she is."

"Yes," Bakura nodded, "Well that would make sense; you are accident prone." He gave the computer a few good shakes, "How do you make it go to Yami-finding-mode again?"

Marik's eyes went wide, "Don't hurt it! It's going to save us from our troubles!" he snatched back the nifty computer and growled at Bakura, "My computer."

"Uh-huh," Bakura watched the screen to see the 'Yami-dot' was at the entrance of a coffee shop called 'La Grosse Café', "Where's that?"

The Egyptian blonde started typing like a maniac, "Well, let's see. If we square the root, multiply the radius, divide the circumference, add pie- mm, pie- subtract the measure of the diameter cubed, Yami is…" he watched the computer make whizzing sounds like it would puke, before pointing across the street, "Right there."

Bakura looked up and saw an ugly sign that said 'La Grosse Café', "Oh."

* * *

me: another update!! i so happy! :)

hiei: WHERE'S MY PART?!?!

me: (hids in a corner) it's coming! just be patient!

to **cute-Baka: **um, i don't know why yami went all 'fluffy cuffy'; maybe it's because it's in the morning, like bakura and marik acting mental. or it could just be that i wanted to be random.

preview of next chapter: Yami goes to get a bit of breakfast, Lollipop kid shows up, and Hiei makes an appearance!

me: happy now?

hiei: almost. please review, faithful reviewers!


	10. Paying the Rent

disclaimer: i don't own bakura, or marik, or yami, or hiei. i do own the notebook of doom, the M-squared negative 3000, the lollipop kid and his mom.

* * *

Chapter Ten- Paying the Rent 

"Time for plan S!" loudly whispered Marik. He led Bakura out of the alley, across the street and through the door of the coffee shop. After breathing very loudly to recover from his run, Marik then dragged Bakura to a vacant table some ways away from Yami.

Bakura looked at him with detest, "Plan _S_?"

"S is for Steath!" Marik said proudly.

"No doubt that's your word of the day," murmured Bakura. "Well, so long as we're here, we may as well get something to eat." His stomach began growling, even louder than Marik's 'whispering'.

"Hehe," Marik laughed, " Kura's tummy grumbled! It say, 'feed me'! Feed me! Feeeeeeeedddd mmmeeee!" the Egyptian blonde laughed hysterically.

"Waiter!" yelled Bakura. _Ra, I've been with this guy for the past two hours and all ready I'm wishing world ended. Hopefully, once I get food in my stomach, I'll be ready for the rest of the day._ "Waiter!!" he yelled very impatiently.

A very short guy with extremely gravity-defiant black hair, and a scowl on his face threw menus at the heroic pair, "Welcome to La Grosse Café, where we only want your money. What can I get you?" he asked monotonously.

"How about a new waiter?" Bakura said sarcastically. He found himself looking at the waiter and got a better look at him, "Hey! I know you! You're that guy who co-hosts fanfics with that evil twisted authoress who killed Joey and now everyone hates her! (a/n: breaks down and cries)"

"The name's Hiei," he slammed down the sheet of paper he had to write their orders on. "Ever since business went down with her, I've been needing more cash to pay the rent."

He sighed and shoved Marik over, sitting next to him, "It's such a rough life. I mean, what on earth have I done to deserve a life of petty wages? Back when I was born, nobody liked me. Of course I was the Forbidden Child and…

* * *

"…and then after Yu Yu Hakusho ended, well of course Mukuro decided we should part ways," Hiei blew his nose on a napkin, "Well, what could you expect from a human eating demon? I guess it was meant to be-" 

Marik sobbed, "That's so sad! I- hic hic- I could ne-never deal with all the tr-trouble that y-you had to bear! I guess I should stop whining about my past! What do you think Bakura?"

The snot bubble coming out of Bakura's nose popped and the owner opened his eyes, "Yaaawwwn, yes, very tragic. Well, do you think you could help us out here? Not that your life story wasn't absolutely fascinating." Bakura rubbed his eyes.

Hiei sniffled a little (kawaii!!) before standing up, "Yeah, right. What would you guys like?"

Marik glanced at the menu for the first time, and started reading it, "Wow. What a selection. Well, I think maybe I'll have the cheese souffle, no wait… cheese gives me gas. Okay then maybe the sausages and mash; nah, I don't like meat-"

Bakura ignored Marik's ranting on the food and started actually watching Yami. He was already eating, which Bakura wished that he was doing, but he was talking with some woman too. The albino listened in.

"Really? You'd babysit him?"

"Of course, Mrs. Kindlestraken. You're our next door neighbor! We really have to look out for each other. Hopefully your husband will be alright after tripping over that tree. Any idea how it fell?"

"No, but I have a hunch it's someone who's after you. I can't imagine why, but that's what I think."

"Odd. So, Timmy, how are you today?"

"Great!"

Bakura's face paled. _That's the lollipop kid! The kid I told what I was doing! The kid who could spill to Yami what's going on! I have got to stop him!_ His quick brain went into action.

"-or maybe the rye bread with strawberry jelly? Or not, rye bread's too-"

"Um, Hiei?" asked Bakura, interrupting Marik who was still looking through the menu, "Could we get jobs here?"

* * *

"Hiei!!" yelled Bakura, deeply angered. 

Marik walked into the restaurant part of the shop, "What's wrong Bakura? Your uniform not fit right?" Marik was dressed in the same outfit as Hiei was, which was a pair of dark slacks, dark long-sleeved shirt, and an ugly pinkish apron. Marik put his hands on his hips, "Well?"

"Well, what," Bakura muttered, coming out. Bakura, unlike the others, was wearing black tights, a short, frilly black dress, with the same pink apron. He turned to Hiei and glared, "Why do I get to be the cross-dressing one?!"

Hiei just shrugged, "I guess it's something I picked up from my job as a co-host. Besides, we only had one more male uniform."

"Conveniently," the thief muttered. "Now come on Marik. Now, we can get that kid out of here, and away from Yami."

"Kay!" chirped Marik.

Behind the scenes, the stalker of the blackmailers could barely stand up; they were laughing too hard, "Hahahahahahaahah! Oh, oh, ra! Hahahahaha!"

* * *

yea! another chapter! 

to Sami: boring? santa's boring? wow. no one's ever said that as blatantly as that. this is fantastic! (huggles Sami) see reviewers! saying something sucked is totally cool with me! so go ahead!

review!! review, review, review!!!


	11. Catcalls

Chapter Eleven- Catcalls

Bakura grabbed a washcloth and started scrubbing the table next to Yami. _So close, and yet… oh, that statement is so overused._

He scrubbed the table harder. _We should have been able to get _something_ on Yami by now! Or at least have gotten caught._

He groaned. _This skirt is not helping me at all. I feel that every time I bend over, that guy behind me tries to look up my skirt. Do I really look that much like a girl?_ He turned around and saw the guy give a catcall.

The albino let out a disgruntled breath and walked over to the guy, "Is there something I can do for you?"

The guy gave a drunken laugh, "A'course, lil lady. I'm sure der is s'mething that y'could do." He laughed again with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Bakura groaned again, and spoke in a deep voice, "I don't." he grabbed the guy by the shirt and hurled him out, "And if you come back in here, I'll forget I'm a lady!" He shut the door after him and turned around.

_If any more pervs try to bed me, blackmailing Yami will be the least of my concerns._

The albino went back to the table he was cleaning, this time sitting down so he could listen in to the conversation more easily.

"So, Timmy, what have you done today?"

"Well, I went to the candy store, and I got a big lollipop! And it was really good, and then my mommy went to a clothing store and this one lady was really bitching in there so I had to wait outside, and there I met this really funny guy! And he was all quiet and boring, but then I got him really pissed and he yelled and said-"

"Nnnnnoooo!!" yelled Marik from across the café. He ran over to the kid, picked him up, and ran out, yelling, "Viva las Lollipop!!" Two seconds later, he ran back in and grabbed Bakura, "Come wench!"

* * *

"Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go!" whined the boy, "Let me go, let me go, let me g-"

"Shut up!" yelled Bakura.

The boy gasped, "You're that funny guy!" he looked at the uniform that Bakura was wearing, "My mommy told me about guys like you."

Bakura's eyes twitched, "Well? Now what Marik? We got the kid! What do we do with him?"

Marik pondered, before his eyes lighting up, "I got it!" he grabbed the backpack he was wearing and stuffed the kid into it. Zipping it up, he looked pleased, "Well, that's done."

* * *

review! and go to the next chapter!


	12. Personality Changes

Chapter Twelve- Personality Changes

"Marik," began Bakura, "You don't just stuff people into backpacks. They will suffocate. Get him out of there!" he tried to get the bag from Marik but Marik pulled the bag out of Bakura's reach and started playing a game of keep-away-from-Bakura.

"But he knows, Kura-chan!"

"Don't call me Kura-chan!!"

Marik paused for a second. "You look like a 'Kura-chan'," he observed.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

'Quit your senseless bickering!' yelled the boy from the bag.

"Shut up!" Bakura yelled, and whacked the boy in the bag.

"Don't hit him!" Marik yelled, and hit Bakura in the face with the bag with the boy in it, because Bakura hit the boy in the bag.

'Don't hurt me!' yelled the boy in the bag, and he kicked Marik in the gut, for hitting Bakura in the face with the bag he was in, because Bakura had hit the boy in the bag.

"I'm on your side!" Marik yelled back, and slammed the bag with the boy in it on the sidewalk, where Bakura was standing, but he leapt to the side, which made him fall into the street where it had just rained, so he got all wet, and the bag got splashed that had the boy in it, along with the M-squared negative 3000 which also got wet, and all these things were happening simultaniously, in other words: at the same time, and they happened because the boy in the bag kicked Marik in the gut, because Marik hit Bakura in the face with the bag with the boy in it, because Bakura whacked the boy in the bag.

Marik, Bakura, and the boy in the bag all froze for like ten seconds after they heard the sound of electricity whirring slightly when the water hit. Bakura stared at Marik, and Marik stared at Bakura, before diving into the backpack and getting the computerish-thing.

"Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please," Marik repeated over and over again, like he was praying as he set up the machine. "Don't die, please, oh, please, don't die on me. Ishizu will kill me!" the computer kept making ewwy pukey noises.

Bakura ran around like an idiot, "It's okay, right?! It did those things before right?! It will survive right?!?!?!" he practically shook Marik's head off as he quickly lost his mind.

Marik finished typing, his arms drooping to his sides.

"Mawik?" whined Bakura.

Marik dramatically shook his head, "We lost it."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Bakura screeched, "IT CAN'T BEEEEEEEE!!!!!" he kept running around, oceans of tears running down his face.

The Egyptian blonde grabbed Bakura and shook his shoulders hard, "GET A GRIP! WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS, BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD!!!" Clearly Marik's head had finally cleared from the previous falls, and Bakura had reverted back to insanity.

Bakura stopped crying and nodded his head with big chibi eyes, "Mm-hmm."

Marik looked toward the backpack, which still had the boy in it, and shook his head, "I can't believe this. We let this," he kicked the bag, "get in the way of our friendship." Maybe Marik wasn't exactly back to himself, "From now on, let's promise that we won't fight, even though some things get in the way."

Bakura cried, "Of course! I'm so glad you're still my friend!" he hugged his best friend and it was a very touching moment, until the M-squared negative 3000 whirred back to life.

Bakura gasped, "It's… it's ALIVE!!" he happily leapt in the air.

Marik hopped down to where the computer was, "I think it'll work perfectly again! All we have to do is go to an electronic store!" he picked up the machiny-thingy along with the backpack, "Let's go!"

* * *

oi, that was a lot of run-on sentences. didn't ya just love 'em?

hiei: no. i wasn't in them.

me: yeah. right. to the reviewers: **Theif King Bakura Sama Lover**: bakura in a dress was an oppurtunity that i just couldn't pass up. glad you love it! **Eve-Of-Misery**: (is tied up to a chair) you shall never get it out of me!! i'll never tell who the stalker is!!

so what i'm saying is... review!! i know you want to!!


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